How to get support when you don't know how to ask for it

Suicide rates from survivors of The Children of God cult are in the hundreds. Here's what I've learned through 3 friend's deaths and countless bouts of depression

I grew up in The Children of God cult. One of the worst cults in history known for extreme organized religion, child abuse, trafficking, labor, and pedophilia. My mother, Sara Kelley, was a top leader in the cult and enforced many of these practices throughout her 35 years in the cult.

Because of this, suicide has been a major issue in the ex member community, dating as far as Aaron Berg, cult founder David Berg’s son, who threw himself off a mountain in the 70s.

Since then, the list has only grown, and survivors of the cult have seen and exponential amount of suicides in the 21st century. So much so that cult survivors began compiling a list of suicides to keep track of the numbers, because so many people were dying alone, or their families were keeping it a secret.

It’s no secret that many cult survivors struggled after getting out. For myself I found it hard to connect with anyone who lived a “normal” life, or have any similarities to connect on. Cult members also were never prepared for the future, as we were told Jesus was coming back so why bother with an education, making money, or paying taxes, for that matter.

When I left the cult in 2002, I didn’t exist in the USA system. I didn’t have a bank account, I had no schooling records, no rental or address history, or any sort of proof that I even existed as an American, outside of my American passport.

It took me years to learn how to navigate the world. I had to figure out what a W2 was for filling out jobs, I had to figure out how to open a bank account, apply for a credit card, and how to go to school. I didn’t even know I had to pay taxes until my boyfriend told me about it in 2006. By that time I owed 4 year’s worth of taxes and had to be on a payment plan with the IRS for years in order to pay it off.

For many survivors, the help is just not there. Thankfully now, there are many organizations that can help, but for the ones who left in the 90s and early 2000s, the help wasn’t there. We just struggled through it and figured it out alone.

I’ve witnessed so many of my friends and family members go down. I was born in David Berg’s household and raised with his adopted son Ricky Rodriguez, who later went on to commit a murder/suicide. Berg’s granddaughter Mene Berg also passed, both of whom reached out to me before their deaths.

At the time I was in no place to help or listen to them, and it’s haunted me ever since. I know many others who have died who also felt alone. I’ve dealt with my own mental health issues and years of depression where I didn’t leave my house for days on end.

So now, when I see a someone struggling, I will reach out. Because I now have the capacity to do so, having dealt with my own demons and from that, created a life that I love.

Today I fly from Mexico to the USA to help someone. To get them on medication, to get them to a baseline where they can wake up, get out of bed, and go about their day. From there, we will figure out the care they need.

As I traverse through this life and continue to be faced with experiences of life and death, I am constantly reminded that everyone is different. Everyone needs a different type of support and everyone has a different why.

There is a time for spiritual work, and a time for medication. There is a time for relaxation and nature’s healing and there is a time for dark, deep, intense healing work on yourself. Whatever stage you are at, that’s ok.

Acknowledging you need support is not weakness. Accepting that you need medication to function, to wake up happy to be alive, to be there for your kids to give them the life they deserve, to support, love, and accept yourself, is not shameful.

Medical science is there for a reason. It’s not the end all, be all, but damn it’s a great outlet for those who have tried everything else and it doesn’t work. It doesn’t mean you’re broken, it doesn’t mean you’re beyond help. It just means that you are LIVING.

Life is meant to be a struggle. It’s not meant to be perfect. But life is also not meant to be sad, traumatic, and depressing, every waking hour of your life. So if you are on the struggle bus with no end in sight, seek help. Get on that medication. Find your baseline, then see how you can proceed from there.

It takes work, yes. You have to find a good doctor who understands you. You have to find a good therapist that speaks your language. You have to find the right dose of meds that work for you. But when you do, I’ve seen lives changed. I’ve seen friends who couldn’t go on another day move on with their lives, change careers, cities, get married and have children.

All because they acknowledged they needed help, and accepted that meds were the best choice for them.

So readers, if you are struggling, please. Reach out for help. If you have a solid friend/family/support group, they will recognize the signs. They will be there for you. And help you find the best way forward.

You don’t have to be a statistic. You can take control of your life, you can accept the help you need, and move on. Nothing lasts forever, but the choices you make now, could be the difference between life or death.

And remember, feelings aren’t final. You got this.